Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
