Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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