Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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