So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
