Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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