I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
