I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
