I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
