ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
