finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
