it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i think i just lost a toe
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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