There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize