So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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