i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
