She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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