She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize