Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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