so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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