Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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