I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
