dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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