had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
