I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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