Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
