we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
