1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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