So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
