My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
