You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
