fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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