I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
