i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
