i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
