i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
