This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
