well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
