Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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