I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
