Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize