Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
