How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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