She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
