if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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