Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
