my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
