His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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