You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
