I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
