tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
