My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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