People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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