I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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