Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
