I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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