be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
