I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
