Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
