We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
