I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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