I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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