Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
