I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
