Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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