Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Oh god it's open bar.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
