I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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