how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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