The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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